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The Monster Ego vs. The Low Self Esteem

Since Dear Husband and I have returned from Hawaii, I have really struggled with my ego in yoga classes. I am not generally an egotistical type of person...at all but I realized when we came back that I have been bringing some sort of ego monster with me to yoga class. My first vinyasa class with Sonja kicked my butt all over the place and all I could think was "what is wrong with me, why can't I keep up". At my yoga studio, Sonja is known to be the ass kicker which was a quality that I had previously enjoyed. After my three week honeymoon, not so much. I even struggled in Linda's Hatha Flow class. What was wrong with me?

So, I talked with Laura, the studio owner, about chaning to less intense classes. And low and behold, instead of dragging my low self esteem with me, I have been dragging my monster ego. I found myself comparing myself to others and wanting to be "the best" in the class. After a lot of thought, I realized, I have always done this. Is my downward dog better than hers? How does my warrior II compare to his? Maybe I will be the only one that doesn't get corrected by the teacher? Haha, I don't need a block for that pose but skinny blonde girl does.

What was coming over me? Why is it that I struggle to find the perfect slimming outfit every morning and sometimes get to the point of tears because I hate my body so much but in yoga I am an egotistical jerk? Is that why I like yoga so much, because it creates a level of self esteem that I have never had? Why is it that even with the reminders from the teachers that yoga is no place for the ego that I bring it in full force? And how do I stop this madness?

I have been pondering this subject for a few days now and was determined not to carry my ego into last night's hatha flow class with Laura. Laura is the very opposite of Sonja, she is gentle and slow. We arrive early and I am relived to find the usual suspects there, no one that really drives my ego into either direction. Though, there is this one woman who scrapes my nerves because she "warms up" before class by doing all of these obscene poses. So, anyway, class is about to begin and a tall skinny blonde chick shows up. Great, just what I need. Not only is she tall, skinny and blonbe but I bet she can rock the poses and of course my hamstrings are pulled so I won't be able to show her how good I am. This wasn't going the way I had planned.

As the class progressed, I found myself watching her to see what she could do. She could do it all, I kept thinking about my friend, Sarah, who was behind her and wondering how she felt. I kept thinking that I was so glad that I had chosen my safe corner in the room. And then the kicker happened. Laura told us to move into legs up the wall and then started saying that if we wanted do do shoulder stand then we could but to be advised that there would be no fish pose to follow. My mind was racing, who amoung us was going to do shoulder stand? Not me, of all of the yoga poses in all of the world, shoulder stand is my nemesis. It makes my back hurt because I don't have the core strength to get into it without using momentum instead of strength. Laura has advised that I continue to build core strength until I feel more ready. So, no shoulder stand for me. I gracefully turned my head to see who it was doing the sacred shoulder stand. And you guessed it, it was tall skinny blonde chick. What a show off bitch. Eh...maybe, maybe not but that was the first thing that popped into my mind.

Clearly, my little plan to leave my ego at the door did not work. I guess I need to find the place within my self that allows me to do things without comparing myself to others. Whether it is in yoga class or at the mall buying size 16 pants. I think in my next private lesson with Laura, I'm going to discuss this with her and find out how to make it happen. I know that I have to go somewhere deep inside, I'm just not sure it is a place I have ever been.

Namaste

I *am* changing the world one bag at a time

I try to be as green as I can and try to continue improving daily. I am always looking for a way to make a difference. And today my friends, I feel as though one person really can change the world.

Dear Husband and I have been shopping with canvas bags for quite some time now. It all started in our local health food store Ellwood Thompson. I bought my first canvas bag and the obsession began. We take them everywhere and let me tell you, they are not always well received. I've actually resorted to bagging my own groceries in some places. Some places are stepping up a realizing that things have to change and are starting to offer bag credits for every bag you use of your own. I think that is swell. I can save the world and save some money.

A few months into my bag obsession, I saw an Oprah show about going green. Oprah asked if paper or plastic was the best and I knew that the answer was neither. I felt smug that I was one step ahead of the Oprah show. Later in the show, she introduced produce bags. Oh my, new bags for my collection and yet another way to save some plastic. I went to buy the bags right away but for days and days they were sold out. I stalked the site until finally, the bags were available.

I was so excited when my produce bags came. We used them for the first time and people stared at us in the produce department like we had 14 heads or something. The cashier was intrigued and commented that they were interesting. Within a few weeks of having the produce bags, I headed back to Ellwood Thompson and used my bags for produce and for bulk grains. This time the cashier was very excited. She was calling attention to my bags with everyone in the store. She wanted to know where they came from and I proudly said "Ecobags.com", once again I was feeling smug. An low and behold, guess what happened. The very next time I was in ET's, they had custom printed produce bags for sale in the store. Now, I'm not sure if this was a result of my little bags but I sure would like to think so.

My little bags have been causing a stir everywhere I go. But yesterday, I must tell you that I felt the proudest I have ever felt about them. We went to Charlottesville, VA with some friends to spend the day at the lovely Historic Downtown Mall. We had also decided that we would visit the Mecca, Whole Foods. I was excited, health food stores are one of my favorite places and since we don't have a Whole Foods here, I couldn't wait. While packing the car, I threw in my canvas bags ready to fill them to the brims with yummy healthy food and cheese.

We probably spent an hour or so in the store, roaming the aisles, trying samples of good food and filling our little cart. While we were looking at the bread, I saw that they had the cutest little shopping bags and I mentioned to my dearly beloved that we had to buy a couple of them. I wanted one for myself and one for Traci from work. I had recently turned her on to using canvas bags as well. I even earned the nickname "Hippie" for it with my co-workers. So, as we gathered our things and put them on the belt I added two more bags to my ever growing collection.

And while shelling out what seemed like my whole paycheck, the man bagging my groceries said "These are cool, where did you get these" and I was feeling prouder than every. No way was the Whole Foods dude asking about MY bags. I proudly said "Ecobags.com" and he pried a little more. He wanted to know how much I paid and wondered if they could get them custom printed for Whole Foods to carry in the store. Oh, I was feeling more smug than ever.

I can't wait to go back to that Whole Foods and see those bags for sale. It feels good to know that I *am* making a difference one bag at a time.

When are you due?

Yesterday, I was at the local veggie stand, doing the right thing, buying local with my organic cotton produce bags and my canvas shopping bags when all of a sudden it happened. The lovely little old lady that makes me think of my grandma said "So, when are you due?". After fumbling on my words for a minutes, I said "I'm not pregnant". A look of horror swept her face and she told me that she was sorry. She began to fumble on her words, too. And my witty humor defense mechanism kicked in and I said "ah, no worries, I'm just fat" and I laughed. She handed me my change and patted my hand gently and once again said that she was sorry. I turned around fighting back tears and said to my dear husband that I planned to never wear the dress that I was wearing again.

In the car, it took all I had to not burst into tears. I drove home softly weeping just begging for my driveway to appear. Thank goodness I was shopping locally. I'm not sure what would have happened if I would have had to stay in public any longer. Once I arrived home, the tears and heavy sobs began to flow. I crawled into my big soft bed and cried until I felt like I couldn't cry anymore. Dear husband stood by and rubbed my back. I felt as if everything I had ever done in this quest for good health and a trim body had been done in vain. I felt that I MUST look that way because, if there is a god, he or she knows that I would NEVER ask a woman that unless I was absolutely 100% positive that she was pregnant. In a nutshell, my feelings have never been more hurt and on top of that I was hungry. I had been hungry for 2 hours and this whole thing made me feel guilty for being hungry.

After my sob fest, I took a shower and calmed down immensely. We hung out, played the wii, watched some tv and did the normal "it is hot as hell and no way am I stepping outside" Saturday afternoon thing. By dinner time, I was ravished with emotion again. And I, being the good little food addict that I am, turned to food. I ate and ate and ate until I couldn't fit in another bite. With every bite I took my hurt feelings turned into guilt and the pain just grew. At one point, my dearly beloved even asked me if I was still hungry. This should have been a major red light but I just said "not really" and kept shoving it in. At the end of my food party, I felt sick and sad and guilty. That food really helped, huh?

And do you want to know the most ironic part? The most ironic part is that only 2 days ago, I was telling my friend Mara that I was actually in a place of acceptance of being the size that I am. Funny the difference a day can make. Now I am miserable coming up with exercise schemes in my wacked out brain.

Makes me think of my friend "hot" Kelly at work. Kelly is hot. She is gorgeous, has a smokin' hot bod, dresses in the most fashionable clothing and get this, she is also the nicest person you could ever dream of meeting. Makes you want to vomit really. Jealous Much? Not me. Ha. Anyway, Kelly is a naturally thin person. She eats "whatever she wants", exercise is just a "normal" part of her day, she doesn't think of it as torture, she actually enjoys it. She walks 4 miles every morning, rain or shine. She attends 2 pilates classes per week and she does Px90 or something like that. She deserves her smokin' hot bod. But I digress.

It makes me think of her because I want that dedication. I want exercise to just be a natural part of my life. I want to be able to just pop out of bed at the crack ass of dawn and get to moving my booty. And everyday of my life, I don't do that. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm at it again

Ok, so once again the vicious diet and binge cycle has gotten to me. I'm giving intuitive eating another go. I have dieted my way to about 30 lbs heavier than I was just a year and a half ago. At this rate, I'll be back to where I started in no time. So, here I go again.

I'm working on accepting that maybe I'm not meant to be a size 6 and that maybe finding peace with who I am today is more important. I don't like being fat but I don't like the process of binging, beating myself up, dieting, binging and then beating myself up even more. Quite frankly, it sucks.

So, I'm trying to learn more about what it really means to be hungry. I know that physical hunger is a physical sensation rather than my brain telling me that chocolate cake would taste so good. But what I don't really know is at what point on the hunger scale is it really time to eat. Does that little nudge of hunger really mean it is time to eat? Does hunger really ebb and flow as I have read in the past? I have always associated that knawing feeling in my stomach with pain. I have never liked it. Make it go away has always been my motto. Well, what I am discovering is that it really isn't that bad. I am learning that the signals to eat aren't signals of a crisis. They are telling me that I should eat soon, it doesn't have to be RIGHT NOW. Who would have thought, hunger is not a crisis.

So, I've been kind of playing with my hunger signals. Learning what the points are when it does actually become a RIGHT NOW signal rather than a sometime in the near future signal. It seems to me that my body ideally likes to eat every 4 to 5 hours as long as I eat a well balanced meal. I really don't have to have a snack at 10 if lunch is at 11. I don't have to panic if dinner takes 45 minutes to prepare. I don't have to tear through whatever I can find just to stave off hunger for 30 more minutes. This feels good to me.

I'm not at the point where I feel ready to skip lunch entirely just to test the theory that hunger is not a crisis as suggested in the Beck Diet Solution. But, I'm starting to understand the concept. It is becoming very real to me that going through life feeling like I MUST EAT NOW has gotten me to where I am. So, here's to paying attention and learning that it really doesn't have to be that way.

Blogging....again

Lately, I've been in search of inner peace. I have a wonderful husband, family, friends and some pretty rockin' cats. I have a beautiful home, a great car, fabulous food on the table and a job that pays the bills. I don't "want" for much and from the outside one might say that I have it all. But, when I start to dig deep inside, I don't. I've gotta lot of junk to deal with in my otherwise blissfully happy life. I've got issues.



I have always found writing to be a place of peace for me. It makes me feel like I can express myself in ways that words and actions don't. I had another blog once; it was about intuitive eating. I stopped blogging on it because everytime I started another diet I felt ashamed. I'm not sure why because the bloggers of the intuitive eating community are wonderful and supportive. But, we'll get to my own self esteem issues later.



And that brings me here, to my fabulous new blog. I decided to write one that really just gets to the heart of me. I plan to write about everything and anything. I feel certain that many times I will write about my struggles with food and exercise. I will also write about my quest for finding a job that brings me peace and joy. I will probably touch on some very personal topics such as the grief that I suffer from the loss of my brother and abuse as a child by family members. And to top it off, I would love to be able to write about the stuff that brings joy to my life. Things like my wonderful husband, my friends and the funny, quirky things they do, my yoga practice and there will no doubt be some awesome recipes.

So, this is it. My new blog.